Showing posts with label Romance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Romance. Show all posts

The Burden of Expectation

She was just a star, waiting for her wish. He was looking for his North Star. They weren't wrong, just that they were different. Their hopes and expectations from life ran parallel to each other, never coming in touch, but never really going away. Like an intense emotion that you had subverted for so long that now there was no burning pain, just a constant melancholy of thoughts chipping away. But even the stars weren't visible on a cloudy night, and he was left with the dripping drops of words.

He was surprised that he was thinking about her. He was surprised, more so, because she came unannouced, just like she did in his life. She wasn't the dusk or the dawn that he knew would break at a certain time, she was unexpected, like the storm everyone warned him about, but nobody was really prepared to hold her. 

He was expecting liberation, she was expecting otherwise. The night was long and dark and he was happy, even momentarily. So, he thought to let the world know. He did.

Even the night has its color. You see, when you are placed in a dark situation, you become aware of so many more things that you previously didn't figure out. You realize that it isn't quite black - it's red. A very angry red, but not something that will make you feel wary.

A photo posted by Aurindam Mukherjee (@aurgho_) on

The overcrowded bus stop wasn't enough to quell the thoughts he was getting in the overcrowded mind. There were two possibilities his tomorrow held. 

She could be with him, smiling her beautiful smile, or he could lose her. The latter made him almost take the bus and not miss it. But the thought of seeing her, even for the last time was a thought he liked. 

Soon she was there, with a book held close to herself and firm steps towards him. He had to tell her, he had pictured this conversation a million times. He had to tell her. 
It was the night that had a burning rage to unload on hapless people, but you know that only you could see the night. You suddenly realized that you weren't alone and that there was hope, hope for the dawn to break and this storm to end.

He wanted to love her, unconditionally. He wanted to troll the world with her, to see the world with her, his world, their world. He was willing to better himself and he was going to do it. There was no stopping him. 

There was their future, no matter the past that he was deeply ashamed of. But he hoped that she'd love him for the man that he'd become, not what he put through to become that. There were so many things he wanted to tell her, he had to meet her that night.

We cannot be friends. I don't want to be your friend. I cannot be the one who sees you off with some other guy and see you guys to a glorious sunset. I am a terrible guy? Fine, be it. I want to be selfish, for you, for us. I want to wake up by your side and see you wake up to the world. I want to have a bunch of kids and shit tonne of grandkids. I want to troll them with you and I want us to enjoy every sunset like it's the last. You are my sunset, you are my north-star, you are the silence between my words, my prayers, my hope. You are my one last shot at life and I want to be your lover. Before you say your next words which, if not what I am expecting, could ruin two things - our friendship and me. Say either a yes or walk away.

The cacophony of the world drowned for a moment. He was staring at a smile.

Caught in the Crossfire

It's been a while. It's been a while, this feeling of unhurriedness. This feeling of unfettered darkness, of strangled emotions and minced words. Darkness that is warm, one that is comforting, soothing, killing. The world seems a tad bit weary, grappling with the last few drops of the vertiable 'honey' before even it succumbs to the cucoon of regrets, hope and mysery.

The ever-closing walls have never been so threatening and yet it always brings me to the surrealism of the moment and how the words that flow through my vein control me and have a vice like grip, enough to make me choke, enough to make me beg them to scream. I write words and a whole lot of them but they aren't able to fill the silence between them.

Isn't it weird? That how important silence is? No amount of words can fill the silence between them, for they'd lose their value or worse, cease to exist altogether! Yet, here we are - from the inconsiderate inaccuracies that we bullshit ourselves in to subvert the actions that we'd decided to take when we started out. All that can wait now, all that can go into a veritable hell or from wherever it came from. I have you in my thoughts. I have you.

The gleeful laughter greets me as I course through your words on a 5-inch screen. Your emoticons are trying to betray your emotions and yet I can see that you've held on, that you have chosen us over ourselves. I am happy and the world is at peace. The raging storm has stalled a bit and the view is absolutely beautiful - dark clouds hovering over the horizon and a calm cold breeze of freedom embraces you and promises to do away the pain and the drought of moments in my life.

The curve around your lips, the wings around your eyes, they speak more than you. There is this desperate urge to touch you, to tell you that you have shone your light into the darkest corridors of my heart and the love, the hauntingly beautiful love is all I want to pray to. You assure me of the days you will wake up in my arms, your gleamy eyes cupping my dreams. You assure me that these nights of loneliness, of this calm melancholy would soon be gone and we'd be together.

A photo posted by Aurindam Mukherjee (@aurgho_) on

But it's time for you to leave, time for you to find your own reasons to judge my love, my actions and my inactions. It's time for you to be the dangerous song I fell in love with in the first place. It's time for you to reclaim your lights, your sky. I am happy with the darkness and I am happy with my stars. 

If only you could take this silence that I have fallen in love with too. If only you took away the stillness in happiness. The silence seems ever winning in this race against the clock and I don't even have your hand to reach out to, anymore. Perhaps this was necessary. Perhaps, there was more to us and ourselves. With out hopes and dreams and thoughts and prayers, we wanted to be someone to some, those whom, even though we didn't really need, we wanted anyway.

Author note: Anxiety-attacks are real. Talk, share and educate. 

Our Forever Moment

Buried deep into your arms, my night began. I was there almost and yet I felt afar. I wanted to hug you tight, for I knew the moment would soon pass away and I'd have to face the world again, without you.

I could literally smell your perfume from up close. My chin lay on your collar bones as your hair playfully snuggled up to my face. Our moment had begun. The cacophony of the world had drowned and I wished to freeze the time. But then not all wishes come true.

The emptiness of your hug was unsettling, your tears, more so. I could write a million words but those words would fall short to describe the miserable feeling that gripped me, like these tall pin trees in those mountains. I knew you had doubts, I couldn't fathom words. I knew you had questions, I could fathom characters. All I had was my hug and the truth. The truth that the moment was soon going to pass away and our light would be gone.

But today, I have you.

But We have Said Our Goodbyes

Another sun sets. The dusty city enshrouds me like a mother to her child after a long day. She tries to put me sleep, only failingly so. The steam rising from the Styrofoam cup dances with the dry wind, happy to have met her, just like I met you. And like the vapors losing their identity, their self into that wind, I lost myself in you the moment I laid my eyes on you. 

The way you smiled before you said Hi, before you said how much you missed me, before the promises, the fears, before that kiss, the one after and the one I last saw when we met for the last time, come gushing back at me. I am consumed by the sunset only to be reminded of your benign face and that stubborn lock of hair. 

The maddening crowd of this new city is warm, Sweetheart. But they fail, you know where? They fail miserably to give me the warmth your hug gave me. When I held you tight, when I buried my face deep in your shoulders, the warmth you gave me brought me home, something I never had. I miss that.

The smiles, the laughter, your thoughts, your hopes and your aspirations from life and the way you were so determined with your beliefs made me happy. Your insecurities and subdued-possessiveness and your confidence in me, the trust you failing had in me. I miss that.

But we have said our good-byes, there is not a moment I mourn. Another day draws to an end and I don't have my own. The twilight seems beautiful, but not as beautiful if you were here with me, savoring this cup of tea. But you don't like tea, or coffee, silly me! I miss that.

Not a single moment goes by without me thinking about trying to persuade you to come back, but then we have said our good-byes. It's hard to believe it's been so long and yet you are here with me, in my thoughts, running your beautiful, long fingers through my hair. Your perfect face, your perfect eyes, lips, smile, nose. I miss that.

I miss the mornings when I woke up with a smile on my face, knowing that there was this one person who was there for me. I miss the kiss, the hug, your voice over the phone, your questions and the hidden answers in them. But we have bid our good-byes, with you looking ahead while I am standing here with nothing else but my stillborn hope.

It's dark now and the tea's gone cold. Far away, the city runs frantically while up here on the roof, I see a progressively darkening sky.

Do you still look up in the sky when you think of me? Do you?

All That Matters is Your Smile

Walked up the stairs of heaven
Touched the stars
Moved over galaxies
Couldn't yet find the smiles


She leans on me with her thoughts, her curly hair kissing her face. Her hands rest on my knees and she keeps looking at me. The city has been washed with another round of rains and everything is clear, as clear as her deep coffee-bean eyes. She smiles away, trying to stop herself from opening up. While she is looking away, I  place the obstructing strand of hair behind her ear. She looks like the crescent moon in this cloudy night.

My own piece of moon, my own little piece of moon with her thoughts and hopes looks at me. Her smile is infectious, making my whole body, my soul, hers. I grab her hands and start kissing them, breathing her scent. 

Your Thoughts and The Sea

You are just a thought away. I can always find you whenever I want to. Then there are moments of us being together, sharing our hopes and aspirations for the future. I can live this life for another eternity, but an eternity might not be enough. I could sing you like the song I so desperately wanted to sing, and just like that the night would become day and the day, you. You will be right there, right there with me. There would be nothing but just vast expanse of the ocean, the cool blue ocean, too vast for us, too deep for us. But I won't be scared. For dying would give me just another reason for me to find you. For you are not there with me anymore. 

Planning Something Special on Valentine's day?

It goes out without saying, this is one of those days when you really have the chance to impress upon your beloved. If you have been sorry about something (may be forgotten that birthday or missed out on that date), this is the best time to make a grand comeback. Valentine's day, unfortunately, has lost its true meaning in the maddening shitstorm called consumerism. However, if you are really planning to do something that will make your beloved feel special, then there are couple of things that you need to do.
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Aurindam Mukherjee