Caught in the Crossfire




It's been a while. It's been a while, this feeling of unhurriedness. This feeling of unfettered darkness, of strangled emotions and minced words. Darkness that is warm, one that is comforting, soothing, killing. The world seems a tad bit weary, grappling with the last few drops of the vertiable 'honey' before even it succumbs to the cucoon of regrets, hope and mysery.

The ever-closing walls have never been so threatening and yet it always brings me to the surrealism of the moment and how the words that flow through my vein control me and have a vice like grip, enough to make me choke, enough to make me beg them to scream. I write words and a whole lot of them but they aren't able to fill the silence between them.

Isn't it weird? That how important silence is? No amount of words can fill the silence between them, for they'd lose their value or worse, cease to exist altogether! Yet, here we are - from the inconsiderate inaccuracies that we bullshit ourselves in to subvert the actions that we'd decided to take when we started out. All that can wait now, all that can go into a veritable hell or from wherever it came from. I have you in my thoughts. I have you.

The gleeful laughter greets me as I course through your words on a 5-inch screen. Your emoticons are trying to betray your emotions and yet I can see that you've held on, that you have chosen us over ourselves. I am happy and the world is at peace. The raging storm has stalled a bit and the view is absolutely beautiful - dark clouds hovering over the horizon and a calm cold breeze of freedom embraces you and promises to do away the pain and the drought of moments in my life.

The curve around your lips, the wings around your eyes, they speak more than you. There is this desperate urge to touch you, to tell you that you have shone your light into the darkest corridors of my heart and the love, the hauntingly beautiful love is all I want to pray to. You assure me of the days you will wake up in my arms, your gleamy eyes cupping my dreams. You assure me that these nights of loneliness, of this calm melancholy would soon be gone and we'd be together.

A photo posted by Aurindam Mukherjee (@aurgho_) on


But it's time for you to leave, time for you to find your own reasons to judge my love, my actions and my inactions. It's time for you to be the dangerous song I fell in love with in the first place. It's time for you to reclaim your lights, your sky. I am happy with the darkness and I am happy with my stars. 

If only you could take this silence that I have fallen in love with too. If only you took away the stillness in happiness. The silence seems ever winning in this race against the clock and I don't even have your hand to reach out to, anymore. Perhaps this was necessary. Perhaps, there was more to us and ourselves. With out hopes and dreams and thoughts and prayers, we wanted to be someone to some, those whom, even though we didn't really need, we wanted anyway.

Author note: Anxiety-attacks are real. Talk, share and educate. 


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