Of Relationships and Reflections
I really don't know the reason for thinking about writing this. May be I am hurt, may be a bit depressed, may be a bit lonely. But then again, I still have got friends, I still have got relationships, right?
I took this weekend off. Switched off completely. Began this short but tough trip towards rediscovering myself through the eyes of the relationships I was in and the ones I had once been in. But then again, I found myself in a mist, shrouding the memories of the past. When one of your closest friends from college has a birthday, you can't stop but think about all the relationships in and around that friendship that you have left behind.
Even I had friends. Good friends.
These sad thoughts often get too much for the bad dreams to turn good. When you are failing in all those friendships, you really begin to question your commitment. Suddenly, all those fingers begin to point straight at you and there is no dodging those.
Whenever a friend goes away, I really never feel the magnitude of the consequence till the time I suddenly am left with nothing else to do. I browse through the phonebook and yet I don't feel like calling any one of them. When you call up an old friend, questions are bound to be raised about the old friendships that were left behind along the way.
It had been three years. Three whole years. I had the number right in front of me. The pain seem to subside as the time went past midnight. I was tired. Dozed off.
The Saturday didn't quite help. It made me obnoxious to my own thoughts. I was irritated throughout the day. What would I tell him? He would ask me about few people I had tried so hard to forget, and yet I had to call him? Why did he have to have his birthday now? I made up my mind and gave him the call. The phone kept ringing until kakima(his mother) picked up the call. He was unwell. She had forgotten about me. I still remember visiting their home in college with the entire group. I did't elaborate to her.
Hesitantly, I kept the phone down, telling her I will call her up later. I disconnected the phone. Saw my reflection on the phone. Tired. Upset. Agitated. Sad.
I have this habit of forgetting. Thankfully, it came to my rescue the whole day. I even kept my phone in Silent mode, to stay as far from those thoughts as possible. While nearing my home in the evening, I took my phone out, saw his missed call in the morning. I gave him a call back. A tired voice picked up.
I asked him about his fever, the medications, his family, his puja fun. Those few awkward moments were pretty challenging for a guy who is a sworn enemy of awkward moments. I guess we both had the same thing running in our minds. We didn't ask about any of those we had between us..we had inadvertently left behind.
I kept my phone down and went for a walk in the riverside. The cool breeze didn't help. The celebratory mood of the town, didn't help. I just let loose those memories.
The next day was his birthday. It was midnight. And yet I couldn't call him. What would I say to him after so long? I knew about his mother and his father and his sister. But the conversation about them would hardly last a couple of minutes, give or take seconds. I sent him a message, weirdly, in the evening. He said thanks in the most simple manner. I had a sudden urge to ask him about others who, I am sure, were in touch with him, at least he is a good man. But no! That didn't happen. Gladly.
Many a times, relationships are only just mere reflections. We all are so busy in thinking about so many others that we end up being each others' reflections. They disappoint us at every step of the process and yet you can protest but give in for the sake of the friendship.
This has so got to stop.
You can ruin your life, your career for your friends but at the end of the day, none will be pleased with you. You won't even have the energy to justify yourself. You will just have to let it be.
Reflections teach us many things. What they don't teach us is how to be happy after seeing those million reflections from those million shattered pieces of glass, sorry, friendship.